You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Randomize
