apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
we're so committed to being not committed
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
