Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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