He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
