I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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