please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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