Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
