I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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