sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
