I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
