Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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