I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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