I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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