After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
