her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
