i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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