I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
