The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
