Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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