ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
