guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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