my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
