we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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