I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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