I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Ladies don't puke and tell
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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