We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
