It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize