Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Randomize
