i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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