the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
