i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
