My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
