All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
