You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
