I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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