Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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