meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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