I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
