Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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