I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
