He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Someone stole a lamp last night.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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