I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
