If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
