If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
