mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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