Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
