why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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