If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
