her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
