hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm like, not good at living.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
