I think my fart just growled at me.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
porn star boner night. come get it.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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