Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Every concussion has its silver lining
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
