I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
