My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
