she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
