Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
