i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
