I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
