the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
