I won't be sarcastic... just naked
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
