My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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