Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
